Texting Excuses

So lately I have started to receive text’s again from MIL. I had been taken off the text train a while ago, and honestly I was ok with it. Sadly they are back. Of course they are incredibly infuriating and full of BS! Today’s text was:

“Hi honey. The cold hit our house that is why we didn’t come up this weekend. BF was really sick. Hope I don’t get it. Hope you guys are all well. Love you all”

So, this doesn’t sound like a bad message all in all until you realise that we got a similar message the past few weeks in a row! We didn’t even know that she was pondering on coming on by to visit, but no big deal. Just why bother sending me a bullshit fucking excuse again and again. Just don’t say anything! Seriously, why fucking bother?!?!

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Texting Excuses

Christmas Soup

Well it’s that time of the year again when we get the pleasure of going to MIL’s and being forced to decorate her christmas tree (yes she makes the granddaughters decorate even if they protest!).  With that brings “christmas soup!!!” YES! I love soup!!! I have pumpkin soup in my fridge right now!

…. Oh wait! Remember last years “soup”…. aka water with chicken chunks….. this year was a repeat.

Open package of no salt chicken broth, mix in unseasoned processed chicken pieces and egg noodles.  For fancy option add shredded carrots from a bag…. This year we got the FANCY carrot option.

Needless to say I fucking dread Christmas soup day! I had a salt shaker and bottle of hot sauce by the door ready to go so that I could at least choke it down.  Of course I forgot it. 😦 FUCK now I’m really fucked!!!!

Or am I?!??!!!!

Well, we play around.  By that I mean that I play with my son on the floor while Grandma watches from a far.  Everyone afraid to touch him like he is some sort of Faberge egg.  UMMM he is 6 months! He can sit up by himself, he will stand if you give him your hands and so on….. He’s got this, and won’t break.

Anyways, nap time comes upon us.  Hubby has set up the playpen in MIL’s room so that we can try for a nap!  Well, tiny human is just not having a nap.  He has cried for 45 minutes and is like “FUCK THIS! I want to go home!!!”  So hubby goes and hurriedly eats some shitty soup to save some face to his mom?  I start packing up all our shit and everyone is like ” OH? what are you doing?”  Are you fucking blind and deaf?  My son is howling and I am clearly packing up his toys and taking them to the car!  Anyways, MIL starts talking like “oh I will just pack you some soup up to go!”  I respond with “NO THANKS!”  Hubby says we don’t have time, as he knows that once tiny human is in his car seat that we are gone! We don’t have 15 minutes for you to dick around and let some soup cool so that you can send me home with some…. She gets a little huffy because of it but I honestly don’t care anymore.  Then as I am getting tiny human in his car seat and my jacket on, everyone starts coming to the door and NOW wanting to Fucking visit!!! FUCK OFF!! Seriously, just fuck off!!! No I am not fucking around, as son is still yelling! No I’m not waiting for fucking soup and not going to now tell you how I’m doing and chatting.  Hurry up and give me a fucking hug goodbye if you want, as you had 2.5 hours previously to tell me all the shit going on in your life to which you didn’t.  Now is the wrong fucking time to realise that I’m here too.

Baby locked and loaded, hubby out the door and heading home.  Of course tiny human doesn’t fall asleep right away, but half way home…. Hubby asks if we should take the LONG way home! Thank goodness, as he needs this nap desperately.  In order to extend the trip too, we hubby proceeds to the drive thru of a Tim Horton’s to order me a sandwich as I haven’t eaten!

Oh and just because I’m a big bitch, I decided to make some Christmas bark as a treat for everyone.  MIL and SIL both say that salt and butter are bad for you and that it makes them sick and that they just swell up immediately if they have ANY salt.  I’m calling BULLSHIT!!!! How you ask, well, I have proved it each and every time I cook as I only cook with butter and salt everything.  Well my sister’s MIL has a recipe for Christmas bark that is made from soda crackers, butter, brown sugar and chocolate chips.  Of course I use SALTED crackers, and added a very liberal layer of fine ground pink sea salt on top!!!!  I had to laugh as when MIL opened the container she exclaimed “OH THIS IS MY FAVOURITE!!!!” and ate the biggest piece available, and then proceeded to eat about half the container…… There was no swelling…..

Christmas Soup

Another round of birthdays…

We just had another round of birthdays that brought us again to MIL’s house for the afternoon.  I don’t even think I really need to say more on that subject lol. Before leaving I dug out our travel books to Ireland because BIL and GF are heading to Ireland and Spain in the spring for a holiday but haven’t told MIL because she will then turn into a mom and treat him like he is 5 and panic beyond belief.  In order to get away with this as a secret covert mission, I had to fashion a book jacket out of some heavy gauge paper that I had so that nobody could see what that it was a travel guide and preemptively panic over NOTHING!

I did have to bite my tongue once though as everyone was talking about disciplining children.  SIL doesn’t….. and says that she wants to be their friends and even later in the day said that the 9 year old is the boss of the house 😦 .  Then MIL pipes up and says that she never hit any of her children, she only remained very calm and said that she was disappointed in them.  The reason I had to bite my tongue to this was because she may not have spanked her own children but I have fucking witnessed you spank your fucking grand-daughter!!!! Don’t get me wrong, a spank was very well warranted, but not from fucking grandma!!! And especially when mom was in the room.  But thankfully that was a few years ago and there will be NO FUCKING WAY that you will EVER do that to my child or I will loose my shit.  Who are we kidding, I will fly my mom out here to babysit before leaving him with MIL!

Pumpkin photos: For halloween hubby hollowed out a big pumpkin, carved out the back and two leg holes so that we could have the obligatory baby in a pumpkin photo.  If you look at the photo you can clearly tell that it was a real pumpkin.  MIL is so fucking dense that the first question she has for hubby was “was that a real pumpkin?  Heavens to goodness that was a fake pumpkin right?”  UMmmm…. NO!  It was a real fucking pumpkin.  LOL it was way cheaper than having to go and buy a fake pumpkin to carve up.  *facepalm* (in my head, just breathe, you only just got here and have a few more hours of this bullshit to go… breathe…. repeat song that you sing to tiny human to calm him down – Zee Frank – chillout song or you will seriously go mental!)

As we were leaving I got more insight to the whole text message to my mom about not being able to visit her grandson….. We are getting our shoes on and she says “You guys feel free to pop in anytime as we would love to see more of him!”  I actually spoke up and said “NO! NO! YOU feel free to pop over anytime!  We are home all of the time! Bedtime is between 6:30-7 and we are home the majority of weekends!  It is WAY EASIER for YOU to come to him then us bring him always to you.  He is only able to be awake 2.5 hours currently, so by us coming to you we have to have him in a carseat 2x of which consist of 20-30 minutes each way to get to your house, which is half of his awake window!  SO NO, if you want to see your grandson, come to see him at his house, with his toys and his surroundings!!!”  I was quite shocked but proud of myself for sticking up!  The look on her face was like “oh, i never thought of that before!”  I resisted slapping her at least.  Now the funny part will be if she actually does it or not.  My guess is not because that is out of her comfort zone.  Everyone has to cater to her as she cannot be bothered to see how it inconveniences others.

Another round of birthdays…

Visiting

So MIL’s birthday was a few days ago and instead we were in Banff with my parents.  My mom sent her a text message wishing her a most happy birthday (trying to get me brownie points and to keep the peace).  MIL’s response went something like this… “You are so lucky to get to see our little one.  I wish I was retired and that his sleep was better so that I could come and visit in the evenings.”

Ok, so perhaps you are wondering what is wrong with that statement? Let me explain: My parents are retired yes, but they live over 1200KM away… MIL lives 13km but works.  My parents have seen little one more times than MIL.  Also, what the hell does his shitty sleep have to do with not coming over?  Bedtime is between 6:30-7!  If you come after work for a few minutes he is a happy boy and would love to see his grandma I’m sure.  It is only after he is asleep that he doesn’t sleep (super long chunks that is) So FUCK OFF!  Come visit your fucking grandson and stop with the shitty bullshit excuses!  Plus, we are home all fucking weekends!!! What is stopping you from coming over in the afternoon???? Please explain your bullshit excuse more because nobody understands it!  Are you upset to hear that my son doesn’t make strange and reaches out to his grandparents who live so fucking far away because at least they make an effort to at least facetime with him so he hears their voices!  You live 13KM away!!!! He has NO idea who you are!!!  He doesn’t reach out for you, he could care less if you are around currently because sadly for him, you aren’t!  MIL, you would be pissed if you knew just how much he practically lunges out of my arms when he sees our landlady because he wants to chat and cuddle with that “grandma”!!!

GROW THE FUCK UP AND SHUT UP WITH THE BULLSHIT EXCUSES ALREADY!!!

Visiting

Thanksgiving

Before heading out for Thanksgiving dinner at MIL’s house a super cute thing happened.  Tiny human was helping me get the laundry out of the dryer when our landlords were at the front door.  Every time they see tiny human they always come to say hi.  This was no exception.  The thing was that tiny human knows this and instantly reaches out his arms for “grandma” to pick him up!!! This is the second time in a matter of 3 days that he has done this to her.  Her husband was quite shocked and pleasantly surprised.  She felt so bad because she just had eye surgery and is unable to do any lifting or anything for 2 weeks.  But It is amazing how tiny human knows and loves her so much!  Now, tune in when he shows up at his actual grandma’s house and only reaches for mom and dad!

So in traditional shit show fashion, this thanksgiving was no different.  SIL was all upset because her BF had to work until 5pm.  Then got angry at him because he didn’t have his phone on him in the warehouse (they were busy and it isn’t allowed)!  UMMMM he’s at fucking work and you are trying to call him to say that you are headed to pick him up for dinner.  That is some complete bullshit to get mad at someone for.  Hubby and I looked at one another and were like “Ummm, if you call me at work, it better be a fucking emergency!  Also, you would then call the shop directly so I know it’s important, not my fucking cell phone which is usually NEVER allowed to be on at any workplace!”  She then left to go get him anyways, but came back 15 minutes later flying in like a hurricane bitching that he wasn’t there.  On her way there he sent her a txt saying that things were backed up and that he was going to be late, so not to worry he will get to MIL’s house on his own.  Well it might as well been world war 3!  GROW THE FUCK UP!!!!! Work sometimes comes first.  Be thankful that he actually has some work ethic, and has actually held down the same job for the whole time that you guys have been together (which is a first)!

Supper was supposed to be at “5pm sharp!” according to MIL.  Is this why SIL was in a tizzy?  Because she wouldn’t be there for the start of dinner because that is closing time for BF?  Trivial shit people!  Apparently this had been going on for some time before we arrived as people were at MIL’s house for 2pm.  We showed up at 3:45 (he woke up at 3) because I said that I’m not fucking with 2 of tiny human’s naps, especially when we are trying desperately to be more and more consistent with him in his crib for ALL sleep.  So of course that was unacceptable but FUCK YOU!  We still brought the playpen because tiny human will need his last nap of the day at about 5:15 (we also stated that WE WILL LEAVE your house at 6pm!!!) because bedtime is approximately 7:30 and we are being consistent so that he can get his sleep better.

We brought mashed potatoes and butter/honey roasted sweet potatoes.  In case you are wondering, YES I did eat before leaving the house so that I would only have to choke down one piece of “turkey loaf, or oven warmed Ham lunch loaf”!  MIL and her low fat/no fat ways but loving my full fat cooking, couldn’t get enough of the sweet potatoes.  Hubby told her that there was brown sugar in them hence the sweetness.  She told me several times that she really hates sweet potatoes, but for some reason really loved these ones and can she keep the one spoonful of left overs??  Of course you can!  Why? It’s because they are roasted in about 8T of BUTTER!!! That’s right, butter, salt and cinnamon! There is no fucking sugar in them.  Butter and salt make shit taste better!  Oh and yes there was a shit ton of butter and cream cheese in the mashed potatoes that she scarfed down too.  I also left the skins on which is apparently a huge no no too, but again everything that I cooked had NO LEFTOVERS!!!!  Come on people, butter and salt!!!!! It’s a good thing when cooking.

Tiny human was NOT having his nap at grandma’s house as there was just far too much things to see and do.  So I hung out with him in MIL’s room to try and keep him calm for a bit.  After I knew that hubby was done eating, 5:45 we came out so that I could quickly politely eat something so we can run.  I told him everyone that he was incredibly overtired and over stimulated so please just try to ignore him…. Of course that was fucking ignored.  As hubby was getting tiny human ready to go, MIL turns on every light in the house and gets right up in baby’s face!  For 10 minutes she is right in his face going “oh you are so tired, but you are so cute!  Give me some smiles!  … oh, hello there!  How are you?!?!”  What part of he is OVER FUCKING STIMULATED do you not get!?!!  At the same time SIL is doing the same thing.  GRRRRRRR…… you both have kids and should understand that what you are doing is the exact opposite!  I am thankful that we just left right away.

There were two things that we were unable to discuss or up for discussion during thanksgiving.  I got hubby to be very explicit that there will be NO MORE celebrating my birthday, and don’t ask me any fucking questions about tiny human’s sleep!!! (because NO I won’t give him some formula just so that he will sleep at night – FUCK OFF!)  Because of this, of course the first question out of MIL’s mouth when we arrived was “how is he sleeping?” I responded with “WE AREN’T DISCUSSING THIS!!!”  She then proceeded to 5 minutes later ask hubby all about how his sleep is currently getting crap (but slowly getting better)…..As we are getting our shoes on, with her face still in tiny human’s face (2inches away, yes it was right in his carseat) she is saying goodbye to him as he is rubbing his eyes continuously as that’s how fucking exhausted he is!  She then proceeds to tell me “Well, I kept up my end of the BARGAIN! I will call you in a few days!  Don’t worry, his sleep will eventually get better!!!”  ……………….. ……………… ………………… BARGAIN?!?!!?  There was no fucking bargain.  I was polite and requesting not celebrating my birthday for the past few years, now this year it was a DEMAND!  FUCK OFF!  By mentioning that, do you not realise that you also just reneged on that!?!?!  I looked at her with a blank face, took tiny human and opened the door.  She then turns to hubby and repeats the same thing…….  FUCK YOU!!!!!!! FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!!! What part of this shit is so very hard to get?  Needless to say I am not going to answer in the off chance that she actually does phone me (I have a feeling that it will accidentally be on “silent”) but let’s face it, she will only send a txt message which is easier to ignore.

Thanksgiving

Birthdays

It should be no surprise by now that I hate celebrating my birthday.  This year something has gotten under my skin even more.  I feel that for whatever reason so many people I know feel even more entitled to their birthdays.  By this I mean, I need two hands to count the number of bickering people because something else more important is happening on the day that they wanted to celebrate their birthdays….. For example, SIL bought her BF concert tickets and is now having a hissy fit because she just realised that it is the same day that she wanted to go out partying with friends.  Side note, she is turning 38!  To you I say “GROW THE FUCK UP!!!”  This is sadly just one example from this year, and I could fill several pages with the stories I have been apart of.  The difference is that this year I am standing up for myself!

MIL asked hubby what I wanted for my birthday. I said calmly that I really don’t want anything like I have for every year that she has known me.  I then followed it up with “and please don’t purchase anything for my son as a replacement!  I don’t want there to be a new toy or gift every time we see grandma.”  To which the message has again not been understood by MIL.  When I say, “please do not get me anything for my birthday” that is what I honestly mean.  I am not being passive aggressive and meaning that I will be upset if you don’t get me anything.  No, there will be no tantrum for that! BUT, after being asked again what I want, this is my response to hubby (to pass on):

” I have been doing a lot of thinking in regards to my birthday.  I know that your mom means well by asking what I want, but all I really want is to have a quiet dinner with hubby and son.  I really don’t want any cards, cake or to b sung to.  I want to celebrate thanksgiving and I will celebrate SIL & her BF’s birthdays.  What I don’t want to do is feel forced to celebrate mine because it will make others happy and it only make me miserable.  If i am miserable does that not negate the good intentions in the first place?  I have asked this for the past few years now and would really appreciate my wishes to be respected.  Again, I know it is meant well, but I really don’t like birthdays!”

I am fucking hope that she finally gets the message.  Knowing my luck though it will result in her having a crying fest and being needed to be consoled… FML, can’t we all just put on our big girl panties?  The sad thing is that of all the people celebrating their birthdays recently I am the youngest.  At this point, I believe that birthdays should only be celebrated on major milestones, not every fucking year.  If you want a present, go buy it yourself because chances are that someone will buy you the wrong colour anyways.

 

Birthdays

Whose my MIL Round 2!

Welcome back folks to this weeks version of “Whose my MIL!”

Last week we established that if you choose contestant C YOU WON!!!

This week we are guessing on what day “Wednesday” is supposed to mean so that we can have your prize money awarded to you?

OK folks your answers are:

A) Friday

B) Sunday

C) Monday

D) Not Yet

If you choose answer D) NOT FUCKING YET! YOU WIN AGAIN!!!!!

Apparently keeping your word is hard.  Wednesday was the deadline that MIL established for herself, we didn’t make the deadline, SHE DID!  We the proceed to have radio silence until Friday when we were asked if we would prefer Cash or Cheque (I told hubby CASH and to get her to drop it off at the house as tiny human and I are not feeling well so we aren’t going out!)  Friday comes and goes with no MIL, so does Saturday.  Sunday is now here an hooray we have communication (and she initiated it too!)  We were out buying a swing for tiny human when we received a phone call saying that MIL finally has the cash!  Oh wait, she will come by tomorrow (Monday) to drop it off…….Monday is now upon us and I am getting tiny human ready for bed.  After feeding little one I turn to hubby and say “I thought Mom was coming over today?”  He responds with “Me too! I haven’t heard from her.”  He then proceeds to text her because this is getting fucking ridiculous now.  Her response, “I’ll drop it off tomorrow after work!”

FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are a WEEK LATE on YOUR OWN DEADLINE!!!!!!  If you can’t even keep your own deadline, how the fuck do you get anything done on time at work?

I am really fucking hoping that she shows the fuck up tonight or I am going to loose my shit.  This is now fucking pathetic as you were the one who told your son WEDNESDAY!  That doesn’t mean that you can drop shit off any Wednesday that you wish instead of the one YOU specified.  I am also going to struggle to not be my polite Canadian self and say Thank You when you hand me over an envelope full of MY MONEY!  At this point, I really hope that tiny human is either needing to be fed or get ready for bed when MIL comes over so that we have an excuse to not be in the room.

 

ON another note, just to prove to you how simple my MIL is:  Sunday when she phoned she started to ask me about an old sewing machine that I gave her years ago.  Apparently she had cleaned it all up and was incredibly proud of herself for being able to fill a bobbin, but the damn thing just wouldn’t sew.  She started saying that all dials were turned correctly and you know the yellow one and the white one and the orange one? (UMM, WTF! NO I don’t know what they are, how about telling me what they look like, or where on the machine they are located so I have a half assed idea what you are talking about!)  I was able to deduce that A) She had her stitch length incredibly small and B) that there was something wrong with the needle. Either it was put in backwards or not all the way up…. I was told that in NO way was there anything wrong with the needle as she hasn’t touched it and that somehow it was my fault from when I gave it to her…….5 minutes later I get a text message saying that she didn’t put the needle all the way up and that was the issue. *FACEFUCKINGPALM*

Whose my MIL Round 2!